These last 6 months have been harder than I can remember ever enduring before in the past, due to personal events that have occurred in my life. My camera has, for the most part, been collecting dust. I hadn’t done any “me” shooting in at least that amount of time.. Perhaps more. In fact, I had begun withdrawing into myself. Life had become filled with tears. If I wasn’t crying, I was numb. No emotions. No life. I was (am still) hurting on a level that I hadn’t fathomed possible. This has been my life for the last few years, with happy months scattered here and there. But not the last 6.
After enduring one of the worst few days in my recent memory, I made the very hard decision to seek medical help. For anyone who has ever known me, they will know that I almost never visit doctors, unless I have tried every single natural remedy I can get my hands on without relief. I, like probably many others, held a stigma against people who claimed to be depressed and took medications for this supposed affliction. Surely a little fish oil, Vitamin B12, exercise, sleep, prayer/meditation, whathaveyou, is the wiser choice… right? I tried all those things.
I made the appointment at least 5 times, that I can recall… and then cancelled them. I chickened out. My pride refused to admit that there was a problem within myself that I could not handle on my own. Finally, after a wake up call, I made a same day appointment and cried to my doctor, nearly begging for help. He calmly wrote me a RX for medication.
Today is only day 3 of taking this medication, and I am hopeful that changes will appear in my inner most self within the next few weeks. In the meantime, I have realized that I have to take back at least some of this missing happiness on my own. The one happy thing I have in my life, outside of my wonderful family, is photography. I didn’t come to photography as a means of making a quick buck (not knocking those who have). Photography was, and is, an outlet for me. I have stunning children and wished to show them off to the world (or mainly, my extended Facebook family, spread across the country) so I poured myself into learning all that I could. Composition, light, COLOR BALANCE (my bane), mood, etc. Finally, a hobby that I am not only somewhat good at (we are our own worst critic), but one that truly, deeply made me feel content about a part of my life, however small.
Yesterday I planned a session with my gorgeous 9 year old daughter, as it was a gorgeous 62 degree Seattle day. I went out and bought her a dress, the flower tiara, and borrowed a neighbor’s curling iron. It didn’t go as I envisioned, due to the fact that the weather suddenly turned really cold, and we couldn’t figure out how to get to a specific area of this enormous park. But I snapped a few good ones.
She’s a true Beauty. I can look at her and just relish in the fact that she is Mine. My Beauty. My sweet darling girl. (Okay, her father’s, too!) Even when I’m in my darkest moods, I can still feel love and happiness when I look into my daughter’s eyes. Even when she’s scowling at me.